It’s pretty common knowledge now that there are more than the three trimesters of pregnancy. The fourth trimester has been referred to as the time after baby is born and is adjusting to life outside the womb. Those sleepy, overwhelming newborn months are a time of survival for many new families.
The fourth trimester is a time of growth, transformation and a slow letting go between birth giver and baby. It is a time of difficulty for the whole family. As baby learns life in the outside world, parents are growing into themselves and siblings are learning to share time and attention with their new family member.
Learning to be a Working Parent
As a therapist specializing with postpartum families, I have come to refer to the transition back to work as the 5th trimester. It is yet another time of major transformation for the family, the love relationship and at the individual level.
In her book The Fifth Trimester, Lauren Smith Brody describes this as the time “the working mom is born”—which can be just as intimidating of a process as the newborn phase.*
Most of the research about this phase has centered on the American experience, where the average return to work date is 8.5 weeks postpartum.
Does this mean that parent’s who are given extended parental leave from work don’t experience this 5th trimester period of transformation? Hell yes they do!
As a therapist specializing with clients who experience postpartum mood disorders such as postpartum depression, anxiety and rage, I often assist clients move through this 5th trimester despite being off work for 12-18+ months.
Shifting Your Mindset
In some ways, this transition can be especially difficult because the workplace you once knew has also changed and grown. Maybe you will return to a new boss, new work assignments or as we have seen this year, a return to a completely unidentifiable job due to adjustments made due to the pandemic.
My advice: During my own return to work, a friend expressed the helpful guidance to “go in with the mindset you are starting a new job”. When we start a new job we give ourselves grace and compassion. We know it will be stressful and we adjust our expectations of what we are capable of. It doesn’t matter if you have been away from your job for 8 weeks or 18 months – this is a new job for you: the job of a working parent.
Planning Ahead for Change
At the couple level, this is a time to re-adjust your mindset about division of chores and work. It can be a time of conflict and resentment if not acknowledged properly or it can be a opportunity for connection and expressing respect to one another.
The parent who was on leave might have once been able to do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. If the working parent does not step up and do more it will grow into a major area of strife for one or both partners.
My advice: Plan ahead. If you know your return to work date, sit down a few weeks ahead and talk about what each of you is willing to do differently. Consider how you will divide the work in the following categories:**
- Cleaning, cooking, household chores: consider daily, weekly and seasonal chores.
- Kin work: giving emotional support to relatives, buying gifts, managing holidays and celebrations
- Emotion work: the constant checking in on everyone in the household
- Consumption labour: buying the things for all the people such as do the kids have winter gear, school supplies, researching car seats and big ticket items for house or car maintenance
- Chauffer duties: driving family members to appointments, pick up/drop off from daycare, grocery shopping, etc.
- Household manger aka making all the decisions: meal planning, creating the grocery list, scheduling appointments, arranging childcare, etc.
Remember the goal is not equality. You will never do the equal amount of dirty diapers in your relationship. Aim for equality and adjust, adjust, adjust. This plan is done on a white board, not in stone.
Being Kind to All The Parts of Yourself
And finally – attend to the hurting parent inside of you. He or she is likely going to be grieving that this phase of parenting is over. It is so bittersweet watching our children grow. As with every new development, every new step we are also saying goodbye to the babies we once held in our arms, the newborns who cooed with pleasure at seeing our smiles and feeling our warmth. If you feel it, let yourself be sad, cry, be anxious. It is also okay to be really, really excited that you get to have a hot drink, a warm lunch and to talk to another ADULT! And it is possible to be both sad and excited about your return to work.
My advice: Let yourself feel what you need to feel. If you are feeling overwhelmed or flooded by your grief, if you are finding it hard to hire a daycare provider because no one seems good enough to care for your baby these might be signs to reach out for support.
As an EMDR therapist, I often sit with these hurting parents and help them integrate the professional parts of themselves with the mother inside of them. Both roles and parts of yourself are important, precious and deserve respect.
References:
*The Fifth Trimester by Lauren Smith Brody
**How Not to Hate your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn