Birthdays are a big deal for parents, too.
As a parent, have you been surprised at how much emotion goes into planning and celebrating your child’s birthday?
I find this time of year especially difficult as a mother. In my early motherhood years, I had been known to stay up into the wee hours of the night creating Paper-Mache piñatas and hand-crafted decorations. At my son’s first birthday, every item of food was made BY ME. The busy pace of party planning became a familiar space to avoid the emotions I was having about him getting older and moving out of the baby-phase that I had always longed for.
By the time he was three, I found his birthday one of my biggest mental health triggers. Through the years I have learned to navigate this time with more balance, more self-awareness and a focus on what is really important as a parent.
Here are 5 tips to help you get through:
1. Keep your emotions in check.
My mom was the queen of birthday planning. Some of my favourite childhood memories are helping her plan, prep and then host my birthday. I know this isn’t the case for all families. For some, the lack of birthday celebrations and feeling special in their own childhood can fuel an over-reaction. Either way, birthdays tend to be an event where emotion takes over.
If you are beginning to feel overwhelmed or pressured, stop and see if you are using your wise mind. If we make decisions with only emotion or only logic we are going to miss out. Use your wise mind – a combination of both emotion & logic, to help you set expectations about the day. You don’t need to make up for your own negative past birthday experiences via your child’s birthday. You don’t need to mend and fix those extended family relationships via you child’s birthday. Whatever it is that’s fueling your emotional mind, keep it in check with some logic.
2. Keep your goals in mind & set realistic expectations.
What is it that you want to convey with your child’s birthday? For me, I want them to feel special and celebrated. This can look many different ways.
I also want them to know they are a member of a community and a family. This means not burning myself out and keeping in mind all the guests and family member’s experience at the party.
Birthdays can also be a time when outsiders get a glimpse into your world, your home and your skills as a parent. It can feel like a lot of pressure to perform and incredibly vulnerable. Decide in advance what your priorities will be: invest in those 1-2 priorities and drop the rest. You cannot do it all: cleaning, hosting, decorating, cooking, baking, planning games. Buy the cake. Order food. Plan the party outside your home if you need to. Ask for help from family and friends.
3. Be mindful of your time & resources.
It’s so easy to over-commit, burn out and forget that this birthday is also about you as a parent. Set aside some space for quiet reflection on what it means to you that your child is getting older. For many parents, birthdays are bittersweet. Let yourself feel both the warm, comfortable emotions of the day with any uncomfortable ones that might come up. Plan some down time to journal or just sit with a favourite drink and let yourself feel whatever emotions come up.
4. Heal any past birth trauma.
This is for BOTH birthing and non-birthing parents. What happened in the birthing room can follow you for many years. As your child gets older, they will often want to hear the story of their birth. If you find re-telling this story brings you emotions of grief, overwhelm, anger or a desire to numb or avoid – you might benefit from seeking therapy.
A scary birth can also be a good birth
5. Remember, it’s just a day.
You get 365 days to show your child how loved they are. You get 365 days to be a good enough parent. Yes, birthdays are important but we really live and connect in the mundane moments of life. It’s the day to day experiences that true attachment and love grows.