Sometimes grief shows up in the most unexpected places.
Before becoming a parent, I had no idea how interwoven grief is with daily life. I used to think it was only the grief of loss – of a loved one, a pregnancy, a beloved pet, the end of a friendship.
As a new therapist, grief terrified me. I recall confidently declaring to my colleagues in those final weeks before graduation that I could not and would not ever be a bereavement therapist. It just wasn’t for me.
But then, as a parent, everything changed.
I’ve had to come face to face with my personal grief on a daily basis.
I realized it was grief that caught in my throat as I packed away the 0-3 month onsies. It was grief that flooded me as my son’s first birthday approached and I processed my birth trauma. And it was grief and fear of missing out on all those mundane but magical moments of his life that triggered my postpartum depression when my return to work date approached too quickly.
As a parent, it began to feel like grief was lurking around the corner at every new milestone.
I also realized there was the grief of missing who I once was. Part of me desperately missed my old pre-child lifestyle. I was grieving the days of endless hours with my partner and friends with no demands of tiny, sticky fingers reaching up at me. I was grieving being able to jump into my car on a whim and drive where I wanted to go instead of pausing to double check the diaper bag while being hyper aware of the next nap or feeding time.
As my children have grown, the grief has only continued. In recent months I have sat willing the tears back as I notice how those little sticky fingers have grown. Those little faces who were once the smallest at the baby groups have become the awkward, full of energy toddlers and children who I need to warn to “watch out for the little ones”. At moments I wonder if this will be our last time in the toddler section or the under 5 areas. That’s the thing with parenting, we are scared to miss the firsts but we are also never ready for the lasts.
As I’ve learned to invite the grief in as a parent and sit along side it, I have also learned to help my clients hold and share space with their grief as well.
Some of the most rewarding and magical experiences I have as a therapist are witnessing my clients learn to hold their grief with kindness and compassion. By learning to lean into our grief, we can learn to hold it and have space left for our other emotions like excitement, pride, joy, happiness and relief. Grief doesn’t have to yell so loudly when you are open to listening.
As the more modern parenting approaches have taught us, parents are learning how important it is to allow our toddlers and children to be seen and heard. We know how important it is to validate our child’s emotion before we can address the behaviour being caused by the emotion. How might you benefit from treating yourself the same way?
The next time you catch that grief welling up inside you– say hello. Don’t push it away as you always have but invite it in, just a little bit. If you can, be thankful to the grief for helping you see how important and precious this moment in time is or for showing you how deep the love runs.
Take a moment and visualize your grief. Maybe it’s a colour or shape. Maybe it has a face –the face of an animal or of a version of your own face, young or adult. What does it feel like to share space with this grief? Does it evoke anger or shame?
Now, say thank you. If you can, be thankful to the grief for helping you see how important and precious this moment in time is or for showing you how deep the love is. Notice how you can be both full of grief and gratitude. Our human brains are designed to hold more than one emotion at a time, after all.
If you find yourself struggling with the grief of parenthood – you’re not alone. If it feels like the grief is overwhelming you, this might be a sign to seek support.