Miscarriage, Pregnancy & Infant Loss
I am so sorry you are experiencing the pain that lead you to this page. Call it what you want – miscarriage, pregnancy loss, infant loss- it is a grief like no other. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through as a parent.
It is feeling a million things and nothing all at once.
This is the club you never wanted to join and most people are thrown into it without warning. Most people are completely unprepared.
Miscarriages and pregnancy loss come in as many different shapes and sizes as you can imagine.
Maybe you knew right away. Maybe you had signs but hoped and googled your way into thinking everything was okay. Or maybe you had a “missed miscarriage”, where your body didn’t realize anything was wrong until you showed up for your next appointment. Do you keep replaying those moments over in your mind? Do you have images that remain with you and send shock waves of grief through your system?
Some losses include lots of doctor’s appointments, invasive medications or surgeries and sitting in OB offices next to other, very big pregnant bellies. Other losses happen alone, on the bathroom floor or while you are busy caring for an older child that doesn’t know you are falling apart inside. Then some losses happen before you’ve told your family and friends, so no one knows. While other losses happen after names are picked and nurseries are painted.
As a society, we have a bad habit of comparing and minimizing our pain. The loss can be overwhelming no matter how far along you were. It can be tragic whether the pregnancy was planned or a surprise. You are going through a life-altering experience and almost any reaction is understandable.
Or maybe, you’re not even sure what you lost. Do you grieve the whole life that could-have been? How does this fit with your spiritual beliefs? Are you and your partner grieving in a similar way or are your needs different?
There is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss like this. But, just like the book, Going on a Bear Hunt- we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it. We have to go through it. But you don’t have to go through it alone.
My Therapeutic Approach to Loss
At Firefly Counselling, I provide a special blend of EMDR and talk therapy to help you identify where you are stuck in your grief and how to move forward without forgetting. I understand that different women and families have different needs and will help you find the peace you deserve.
I understand that miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss are complicated by a variety of factors. It’s not just an emotional loss. For the pregnant woman, it takes time for your hormones to come into balance. Your body has been though a lot. But how can you care for a body when being in your own skin might lead to anger and shame? Or, maybe you felt okay and were able to get pregnant again and are now paralyzed with fear that you might experience another loss? EMDR therapy has a beautiful way of moving past our conscious minds and helping us process the parts of grief we may not have put into words – such as physical body sensations.
Are you stuck in your grief because you don’t feel ready to let go?
Sometimes we hold into pain during pregnancy loss because it is the only tangible thing we got from our pregnancy. There is no baby to hold and rock like we dreamed of so we hold the pain instead. I can help you create a space in your mind and heart for your baby to exist. A space that you can be in without all of the ugly emotions that cloud the love you have for your baby. I can help you find a way to move forward without forgetting.
As a therapist, I believe that you are the expert of your own life and my process is to walk-along side you. I will support your journey with my knowledge and personal and professional experience. Let me sit with you in the pain and help you discover what your mind, body and soul need to heal.
The Toll of Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss on a Relationship
It doesn’t make sense. My partner and I keep fighting and they don’t even seem upset that our baby died.
Even within loving, supportive relationships it can be hard to turn to your partner because they are also grieving. And their grieving may look completely different than yours. Couples who have experienced a miscarriage are at higher risk to separate in the 2-3 years following the loss than couples who had a full term pregnancy. Some partners struggle to talk with one another about the loss because they don’t want to cause more pain. Or they are at different stages of grief or acceptance. This can lead to assumptions and relationship issues. It is also common that you might deal with this tension, anger or sense of betrayal by fighting about issues that are seemingly less important.
At Firefly Counselling, I help people work through this difference and provide sessions for couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties after the experience of a loss. It may be that you need help discussing each person’s needs from the other while you each grieving. Or maybe the experience of the loss has caused a rift that needs to be repaired or highlighted a difference in values that you’d like to work though. Even if your partner is unwilling to attend our meetings, we can still work on strengthening the relationship.
